The Chuck Schumer Prize for Quivering Chicken-Heartedness (full text)

Mike L.

{Originally published at the Times of Israel.}

Israel Thrives is pleased to announce that it is has nominated United States Senator from New York, Chuck Schumer, for the first annual Chuck Schumer Prize for Jewish Political Prostration and Quivering Chicken-Heartedness!  This is a very exciting day for those of us in the offices of Israel Thrives... deep in our well-fortified bunker in the Oakland hills.  We have decided that on an annual basis (or, really, whenever we feel like it) we are going to award a worthy Jewish political leader the Chuck Schumer Prize for Jewish Political Prostration and Quivering Chicken-Heartedness.

This year the first prize may go to Schumer, himself, because nothing screams weak-willed servility more than supporting an enemy of the Jewish people, like Chuck Hagel, out of political cowardice, misplaced loyalty, personal ambition, and ideological blinkertude.  Hagel is a friend of Barack Obama.  Hagel is also a friend of Hamas.  He is a friend of Hezbollah and he is a friend of Iran.  He is not however a friend of either the Jewish people or the Jewish State.  In fact, he believes that Jews, via the vicious "Jewish Lobby," whatever that is, exactly, terrifies well-meaning, red-blooded American politicians (some of whom were at one time Boy Scouts) into supporting Jewish interests over American interests.

Excuse me, but doesn't this notion ring a bell for people?  This idea that nefarious Jews are working behind the scenes, pulling the strings in order to force autonomous governments to do our bidding has a rather lengthy, and not particularly pleasant, genealogy.  I'm pretty sure that by the end of the nineteenth-century there were all sorts of Europeans yammering at one another precisely the same nonsense that Hagel repeats.

Nonetheless, Jewish U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer is supporting Hagel's nomination for the position of Secretary of Defense.

Hagel also apparently believes that you guys, you Israeli Jews, control the U.S. Department of State.   When did you manage that one, by the way?  I find myself reasonably certain that Harry Truman would very much have disagreed with any such assessment, but Truman's days were quite some time ago.  My guess is that sometime around the time that you figured out how to create killer Mossad squirrels and Zionist Shark Agents and various other forms of animal and furied and feathered commandos, you must have managed to put the U.S. State Department under the heal of the international Jewish conspiracy.

{And I very much thank you for that, by the way, but where the heck is my check?}

In any case, for the moment Schumer has yet to receive this very high honor.  The U.S. Senate will reconvene this Monday, February 25.  Sometime during next week they will probably vote Hagel in as Secretary of Defense.  When Schumer votes for Hagel we will award him his prize.

I am sure that his children and grandchildren will be very proud.