Breaking: Jew Builds Second Bathroom in East Jerusalem

Michael Lumish

{This is the satirical bit that got me booted off of Daily Kos, lo these many years ago.}

Sheikh Jarrah, East Jerusalem --- The entire world was shocked yesterday when this reporter revealed that retired electrician, Ehud David Netanyolmert, shook the peace process to its roots by building an illegal second bathroom in his East Jerusalem home.

“This is yet another example of Israeli intransigence,” said Palestinian Authority PM, Mahmoud Abbas. “We cannot negotiate with the Israelis if they insist upon violating international law with the continued building on Palestinian lands. Israel must pressure Mr. Netanyolmert to dismantle the illegal mini-settlement that he has constructed.”

Only slightly taken aback by the world community’s rejection of the second bathroom, Benjamin Netanyahu told the Jerusalem Post, “Israel wants peace and two states for two peoples. The Palestinians need to sit down at the negotiating table and I honestly do not see what some guy's second bathroom has to do with anything.”

In Washington, US President Barack Obama convened an emergency meeting with his cabinet in order to evaluate the situation and to determine the best response to this most recent Israeli aggression. In response to the crisis, US diplomat George Mitchell claimed, “Israelis have rights, but so do the Palestinian people. While the United States remains deeply committed to Israeli security, it is entirely unclear how the second bathroom promotes that security or in any way advances the cause of peace.”

When queried about this blatant Zionist violation of international law Mr. Netanyolmert objected to the entire line of inquiry. “You people are meshuganah,” Netanyolmert said while standing in his doorway, wearing his jammies and blinking into the morning sun. “Are you honestly telling me that Vladimir Putin objects to my second bathroom on the grounds that it is an impediment to peace?  Vladimir Putin?  Really?”

It should be obvious to any reasonable observer that Mr. Netanyolmert’s myopia regarding Zionist aggression, and his willingness to derail the peace process, cannot be allowed to go unchallenged. The Palestinian peace organization, Hamas, therefore responded today with a flurry of Qassam and Katyusha rocket attacks on S’derot and Ashkelon. The typical Israeli myopia extended to former S’derot mayor, Eli Moyal, who, while quivering under his desk, is alleged to have told his secretary, “Second bathroom? What second bathroom? What the hell are these people talking about?”

Meanwhile, a variety of Israeli left-of-center organizations are planning a mass rally in opposition to The Second Bathroom. Naomi Chazan, of the New Israel Fund, said that dozens of people will gather outside Mr. Netanyolmert’s home in solidarity with Palestinian activists in a No Second Bathroom rally. The protestors will carry signs reading, “Get the Hell out of the Bathroom!” and “Netanyolmert, Zionist Criminal Baby Killer!” and “Who Do These Jews Think They Are, Anyway?!”

Some fear that just as Ariel Sharon's stroll on the Temple Mount inevitably caused the Al-Aqsa Intifada, so Mr. Netanyolmert's violation of Palestinian sovereignty might spark a third... The First Second Bathroom Intifada.

One hopes that if the Israeli government makes the necessary concessions by evacuating the bathroom then the Palestinian Authority might be persuaded to sit down for peace talks.

But who could blame the PA if they refuse?

The Obama Administration is concerned about random acts of violent extremism done by no group in particular and for no reason that we can discern

Child in Prayer

After this latest Jihad attack at Ohio State University, president Barack Obama took the bull-by-the-balls and trotted out White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest to tell us:

There’s still a lot of information to review and collect but obviously this is a difficult situation and our thoughts and prayers are with the people of Columbus and OSU at this time.

This is, indeed, a difficult situation and, speaking strictly for myself, I am just pleased that it had nothing whatsoever to do with "radical Islam" or "political Islam" or "Jihadism" or "Islamism" or the "Qu'ran" or the "Koran," or anything whatsoever do to with Islam or what President Barack Obama calls "violent extremism."

Like 9/11, the Boston Marathon bombing, the gay nightclub murders in Orlando, the shooting up of US military personnel at Fort Hood, TX, the San Bernardino attack, or the beheading in Oklahoma - and on and on and on and on - we should be grateful that the OSU misunderstanding was either completely accidental, the act of a random psychopath, or the direct result of our own shameful behavior as a people and a nation.

We have to understand that when goodhearted folk are morally aggrieved by the United States (if not Americans, more generally) that they have every reason to feel this way because we earned their contempt due to our own misbehavior. It is for this reason, sadly, that we deserve whatever beating they wish to give us, our children, and our family and friends.

According to Time Magazine, the innocent attacker, Abdul Razak Ali Artan, a young Somali immigrant-student oppressed at Ohio State:

drove a car over a curb and into a crowd of people on campus, then got out and attacked students with a butcher knife. Authorities later added that Artan (who was shot and killed by a police officer at the scene) was a student at the school.

“[The] only thing that we can say based on common knowledge is that this was done on purpose,” Ohio State University Police Chief Craig Stone said at a press conference Monday afternoon.

Time magazine mimics the typical angry white American male Islamophobic response by assuming that the incident was either intentional or without just cause. Chief Stone claims, with only the flimsiest of evidence, that it is "common knowledge" that Artan acted with intention. He may have exited the vehicle wielding a machete - which he introduced to a few people - but this is no reason for white American racists to assume unkind thoughts on the part of Mr. Artan.

In a previous interview Artan told the OSU Lantern:

I wanted to pray in the open, but I was scared with everything going on in the media,” he said. “I’m a Muslim, it’s not what the media portrays me to be. If people look at me, a Muslim praying, I don’t know what they’re going to think, what’s going to happen… I was kind of scared right now. But I just did it. I relied on God. I went over to the corner and just prayed.

This was a young man, shot dead before his prime, who wanted nothing more than to pray.

He wanted to commune with God and the fascist cops at Ohio State shot him down in cold blood in much the same way that the insidious Zionists in Apartheid Israel conduct extra-judicial assassinations of innocent Palestinian-Arabs... who also sometimes lose control of their vehicles.

If anyone is to blame for this accident it is clearly Donald Trump and the Neo-Nazi brigade over at Breitbart News.

The bottom-line, however, is that until the United States ceases its racist, imperialist, and militaristic behavior then people of good-will may continue, through no fault of their own, to accidentally run us down with their vehicles.

If we have not learned that lesson by now, I am afraid that we never will.

Frankenstinians Unleashed

Michael L.

The Frankenstinian people have lived in Frankenstine since time immemorial.  (RIP)

When the Euro-French occupiers of Frankenstinian land marched onto their sacred soil and started ripping olive groves from the earth with their bare fangs they let loose a righteous wave of resistance that continues to this day.

The Euro-French imperialist invaders will not know a day of peace so long as they continue to oppress the native Frankenstinian population.  The Frankenstinians are a noble and peaceful people who want nothing more than to tend their sacred olive groves and build a decent and prosperous life for themselves and their children, but they are living under a brutal occupation.

France must become a state for all of its people, not merely the Euro-French.  The Euro-French racists in the illegal French Occupation Government (FOG) have created an unsustainable situation.  The status quo, which enshrines the Frankenstinians as a permanent underclass under Euro-French law, cannot long continue. Nor should it.

The native population of Frankenstine have their rights and the French Occupation Government is responsible under international law to implement those rights.  So long as the racist Euro-French government insists upon punishing an innocent people on their own land then they will continue to receive well-deserved scorn from the rest of the world community.

It is for this reason that many millions of decent people from all around the world have elected to join the campaign to boycott, sanction, and divest from the fascistic Euro-French state.  Speaking strictly for myself, however, I am only boycotting products that are produced by illegal right-wing Euro-settlers in the Occupied Frankenstinian Left Bank.

The Frankenstinians, needless to say, will not be satisfied until they recover the entirety of their ancient realm and that includes all the illegally occupied Euro-French lands.

I am sorry.  The Euro-French suffered greatly under the Nazis during World War II - we all recognize that... sort of - but this does not give them the right to abuse another people.  It is as if they learned nothing from their experience under oppression and are now unjustly taking out that oppression on the innocents of Frankenstine.

Face it, the Euro-French are the New Nazis and the Frankenstinians are the New Euro-French.  The Euro-French took what they learned under Nazi cruelty and applied it to the innocent Frankenstinians.

Naturally the Frankenstinians are fighting back with whatever small means they have at their disposal, such as, for example, kidnapping Euro-French teenagers and running down 3 month old Euro-French baby girls with their automobiles.  But what it is most important to understand - as the New York Times does - is that the peace-loving Frankenstinians would never resort to such tactics were it not for the cruelty of the French Occupation Government.

Some people say that France is subject to an unjust effort to delegitimize that country as the Nation-State of the Euro-French people, but what I say is that France has delegitimized itself and that international scorn and sanctions are fully justified until they make the required restitutions.

Also, of course, I could not be happier that the humanistic government in Israel voted in favor of creating a Frankenstinian state right, smack directly in the very heart of the Occupied Euro-French territory.

So, what part of Occupied France should the Euros be allowed to keep?

{The Frankenstinians would very much like to know.}

No Justice, No Peace

Michael L.

{Cross-posted at the Elder of Ziyon and Jews Down Under.}

Writing in the Jerusalem Post, Lahav Harkov tells us that Israeli firebrand Naftali Bennet has a few words for Israeli parliamentarian Tzipi Livni concerning the recent rebel attack upon the French Occupying Power:

Speaking at the same event, Bayit Yehudi leader Naftali Bennett slammed Livni, saying she "talked about the occupation and diplomatic isolation, and I wondered why she didn't get on a plane to Paris to solve their problems? Maybe she can run their negotiations, offer them a diplomatic horizon, tell them there's a solution.

"Offer them to stop the occupation for peace, tell them to apologize for the caricature; that always works," Bennett sarcastically suggested to Livni. "Tell them that you make peace with your enemies, that they have a partner. Maybe they can divide Paris and give it to Muslim fundamentalists." Bennett wondered what else needs to happen for the world to wake up: "Do they not understand that a terrorist who runs over a baby in Jerusalem and a terrorist in Paris are the same, Muslim fundamentalists?" 

No, in fact, they do not understand that a terrorist attack in Paris against non-Jews comes from the same ideological well-spring as does a terrorist attack in Jerusalem toward Jews.

Most white western anti-Zionist "liberals" tend to believe that killing Jews in Jerusalem is justified due to the racist, colonialist, imperialist, apartheid nature of the insidious Jewish state.

When a Muslim kills an innocent non-Muslim in Paris that is terrorism.

When a Muslim kills an innocent Jew in Jerusalem that is righteous resistance against the despised Zionist imperialist authority.

In my opinion, Livni deserves Bennett's mockery.

Perhaps the French do need to apologize to the Muslim world for their extreme insensitivity through allowing satirical newspapers, such as Charlie Hebdo, to make fun of the Prophet Muhammad.

{Peace be unto him.}

You can poke fun at Jesus and you can poke fun at Moses, the Easter Bunny, and Barack Obama, but if you say anything about Muhammad you better watch your backside.  Not all of these intense, dark-eyed, hawk-nosed, desert deities have much of a sense of humor, after all.

So, yes, the French must apologize not only for their extreme insensitivity toward their Muslim citizenry, but also to Islam, in general.  Just as Hillary Clinton stood up before the world and groveled after Jihadis slaughtered Ambassador Chris Stevens and his diplomatic team in Benghazi, Libya - allegedly because some unknown guy with a camcorder in California was mean to the Prophet - so the French need to grovel now.

Or, perhaps Paris should be divided in order to make a capital for an Islamist state in that part of the world.

Arabs and Muslims have lived in France for centuries and deserve a state for themselves in peace next to the French state.  The ethnically "French" have no exclusive claim to the land that they occupy and by any measure of human justice need to end the occupation of Islamic and Arab lands in Europe.  France, after all, has been the home to any number of people aside from the exclusively "French."  Over the centuries the place that we call "France" has been the home of Romans, Greeks, Franks, Celts, Carthaginians, Arabs, Africans... and even Jews.

The "we got here first" argument holds no water.

France is a major part of the European imperialist infrastructure that dominates and controls people of color throughout the world and therefore deserves no special privileges or considerations.  Crusading white European powers, such as France, deserve a commupence due to centuries of racist abuse of indigenous peoples everywhere, most particularly within France itself.

France needs to be a state for all its peoples and so long as France defines itself exclusively as French then it can expect the kind of understandable response from the indigenous population that we just saw in Paris.

The indigenous Arabs are persecuted by the racist French government which keeps them in poverty and in separate and entirely unequal economic and educational systems throughout the country, so what would the French expect?

For example, French government intransigence in insisting that the French language exclusively be the official language of the French state just screams white, western privilege and is a well-understood insult to other native peoples throughout the country, such as the Basque.  The Israelis, for an alternative humanist perspective, are not nearly so xenophobic and therefore have institutionalized Arabic as one of the official languages of Israel and France must do likewise if it wishes to be considered among the fair and civilized nations of the world.

The French, it must be further understood, are guilty of centuries of foreign oppression in places like Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, and even India; not to mention Syria, Lebanon and parts of Turkey, Taiwan, and the Philippines.

France recently voted at the United Nations, over the objections of the Jewish people worldwide, for the creation of a 23rd Arab state to be imposed directly upon the heartland of the Jewish people in Judea and Samaria.

If the French wish to be free of Arab-Muslim resistance toward the French occupation of Muslim lands in Europe then it must end that occupation.

Until it does so, France will never know peace and therefore a French version of J Street is necessary.

We'll call it F Street and, much like F Troop, it will be the necessary moral French equivalent of J Street.

What we need is for progressives to tell the French people and the French government what they must do in order to make peace with the native population.  What I recommend is that we finance a series of non-governmental organizations (NGOs) to monitor French settler behavior, and the behavior of the French government, toward the native Arab population.

There will be no peace until there is justice toward the Arab-Palestinian population of France and there shouldn't be.

No Justice.

No peace.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Mike L.

This is the satirical piece, written in March 2010, that got me banned from Daily Kos.

At the time they accused me of making fun of the "occupation" when, in fact, I was making fun of them! It got 423 comments, almost all of which were negative, but some people found the piece funny. It was certainly fun to write, anyway.

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Breaking: Jew Builds Second Bathroom in East Jerusalem

Sheikh Jarrah, East Jerusalem --- The entire world was shocked yesterday when this reporter revealed that retired electrician, Ehud David Netanyolmert, shook the peace process to its roots by building an illegal second bathroom in his East Jerusalem home.

“This is yet another example of Israeli intransigence,” said Palestinian Authority PM, Mahmoud Abbas. “We cannot negotiate with the Israelis if they insist upon violating international law with the continued building on Palestinian lands. Israel must pressure Mr. Netanyolmert to dismantle the illegal mini-settlement that he has constructed.”

Only slightly taken aback by the world community’s rejection of the second bathroom, Benjamin Netanyahu told the Jerusalem Post, “Israel wants peace and two states for two peoples. The Palestinians need to sit down at the negotiating table and I honestly do not see what some guy's second bathroom has to do with anything.”

In Washington, US President Barack Obama convened an emergency meeting with his cabinet in order to evaluate the situation and to determine the best response to this most recent Israeli aggression. In response to the crisis US diplomat George Mitchell claimed, “Israelis have rights, but so do the Palestinian people. While the United States remains deeply committed to Israeli security, it is entirely unclear how the second bathroom promotes that security or in any way advances the cause of peace.”

When queried about this blatant Zionist violation of international law Mr. Netanyolmert objected to the entire line of enquiry. “You people are meshuganah,” Netanyolmert said while standing in his doorway, wearing his jammies and blinking into the morning sun. “Are you honestly telling me that Vladimir Putin objects to my second bathroom on the grounds that it is an impediment to peace? Vladimir Putin? Really?”

It should be obvious to any reasonable observer that Mr. Netanyolmert’s myopia regarding Zionist aggression, and his willingness to derail the peace process, cannot be allowed to go unchallenged. The Palestinian peace organization, Hamas, therefore responded today with a flurry of Qassam and Katyusha rocket attacks on S’derot and Ashkelon. The typical Israeli myopia extended to former S’derot mayor, Eli Moyal, who, while quivering under his desk, is alleged to have told his secretary, “Second bathroom? What second bathroom? What the hell are these people talking about?”

Meanwhile, a variety of Israeli left-of-center organizations are planning a mass rally in opposition to The Second Bathroom. Naomi Chazan, of the New Israel Fund, said that dozens of people will gather outside Mr. Netanyolmert’s home in solidarity with Palestinian activists in a No Second Bathroom rally. The protestors will carry signs reading, “Get the Hell out of the Bathroom!” and “Netanyolmert, Zionist Criminal Baby Killer!” and “Who Do These Jews Think They Are, Anyway?!”

Some fear that just as Ariel Sharon's stroll on the Temple Mount inevitably caused the Al-Aqsa Intifada, so Mr. Netanyolmert's violation of Palestinian sovereignty might spark a third... The First Second Bathroom Intifada.

One hopes that if the Israeli government makes the necessary concessions by evacuating the bathroom then the Palestinian Authority might be persuaded to sit down for peace talks.

But who would blame the PA if they refuse?

Back to the 'Ol Drawing Board

Washington looks for new direction in peace process - Jerusalem Post

Apparently this means that Barack Obama may stop harassing the Jews about where some of us live. I, for one, want to thank Barack for the truly bang-up job he's been doing on the Arab-Israel conflict. Tossing up a roadblock to any possible negotiated settlement by demanding that Jews stop building swimming pools and community centers and day care centers and, yes, second bathrooms in the West Bank was shear brilliance.

It meant that Abbas couldn't negotiate even if he wanted to and there is precious little to suggest that he did, in fact, want to. What Obama basically did was throw a monkey wrench into the gears of the process and then blamed the Israelis for his own unconscionably stupid screw-up.

And so now where are we?

The goal is two-states for two peoples. One people, the Jews, have a thriving country along the Mediterranean. Good for them. The other people, the Palestinians, have no state for themselves and live under a combination of Israeli military rule and non-democratic Hamas / Fatah control.

The only way to actually resolve this miserable situation is for the Palestinians to at-long-last... dear God... accept a state for themselves.

Yet, for some reason they just cannot bring themselves to do so.

According to some of my friends on the left, in fact, peace-loving Jihadis are fully justified in their never ending quest to slaughter the Jews. They were right to try to kill Jews in the 1920s and they were right to try to kill Jews now. {Heck, they were probably right to try to kill the Jews in the early 7th century when Muhammad was so pissed off.}

This is because those Jews are perpetually doing bad things to the indigenous population.

See, it's like this. The racist Jewish imperialists marched out of Eastern Europe en masse in the late 19th and early 20th centuries for the sole purpose of stealing land... the Land of the Sacred Olive Groves, no less... from the innocent Palestinian people and brutalized them strictly for the fun of it.

This is why there were suicide bombings during the second intifada, of course.

This is why there were anti-Jewish riots in Palestine throughout the 1920s and 1930s.

Because the Jews were mean. That's always the reason. Decade after decade. Generation after generation. Century upon century.

Millenia upon millenia.

The Jews are, in fact, still very mean. They are collectively punishing the good people of Gaza merely because Gazans shot a few rockets at them. They weren't even very big rockets. They were "bottle rockets" according to some of the more compassionate humanists on Daily Kos. Why those Jews should get so persnickity merely because Gazans were trying to kill them is anyone's guess.

Same thing on the West Bank. That's where we have all those check points that so inconvenience people. The check points and the security fence... or, really, Apartheid Wall.

{Or why not, say, Racist Apartheid ZioNaziWall?}

And, yet, despite the enormous suffering of the Palestinian people at the hands of the vicious Jews, they simply cannot accept a state for themselves.

They never have, now have they?

And they still don't.

{And who gets the blame?}