Saturday, October 5, 2013

New poll: US Jewry going to hell in a handbasket

Mike L.

This funny bit was written by Benji Lovitt and published at the Times of Israel.

I am swiping it in full because, somehow, I do not think that Lovitt or his lawyers will mind.

If I am wrong, I am sure that they will let me know. - ML
A new survey released earlier this week presented major shifts in American Jewry, with one rabbinic leader calling the community “farkakte.” The poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center (PRC), also concluded that 71% of the population had no idea what “farkakte” means.

This survey, the first of its kind conducted in over a decade, presented findings which took the Jewish world by surprise. “In addition to increases in intermarriage and decreases in synagogue membership, the results affirmed what we already suspected: We’re totally screwed,” said Brooklyn rabbi Moshe Levenglick. “We had a good ride but it’s over. Goodbye, American Jewry.”

Levenglick claimed that his views did not represent those of his ultra-Orthodox community; however, the PRC was unable to reach a critical mass of his constituents, as they would not take phone calls from female pollsters.

Seventy four percent of Reform Jews were found to really enjoy eating cheeseburgers. Surprisingly, this number rose to 86% among the rabbinical community. However, the margin of error on these questions was thought to be quite large, with Reform Jews interpreting the poll questions in whatever way they wanted.

“I didn’t understand what they meant when they asked how many times I have attended temple this month,” said Maria Hernandez-Cohen, rebbetzin of the Simchat Beit HaDimSum congregation in Santa Cruz, California. “I mean, I do Bikram yoga in my studio like every other day, so I guess that means a lot, right?”

Despite major declines in religious identification, most American Jews said that bagels are delicious and that they would have sex with an Israeli soldier if Israel was in need. Also, 54% of Jews believe that a Christmas tree has no place in a Jewish home between January and November.

One unnamed Israeli Cabinet minister was unconcerned with the conclusions. “The results demonstrate the continued importance of programs such as Taglit-Birthright in fostering Jewish identity. And guarantee my continued kickbacks from Taglit.”

Fifty-seven percent of responders who identified themselves as Conservative Jews claimed to have no idea what they stand for and had no further comment. Survey results were inconclusive with Reconstructionist Jews as nobody was sure how to define the questions. And more than any other stream, Messianic Jews tended to show up on the doorsteps of pollsters and bug the living crap out of them.

Comedian Benji Lovitt will be in North America this month. Contact him for a show or workshop about life in Israel.


  1. And here I was, thinking Reconstructionism would be left alone for once!

  2. People don't really have to have any earthy clue what they stand for or why or if. The problem I have with them all is that they use their own ignorant nihilism to signify their judgment of all the rest of US. Jews who don't keep kosher or the Brit Millah or go to shul or invest in Jewish education or care or want or need or give anything to their own Jewish community even if they could find it. Fair enough. Jews who invite Arab terrorists to the bimah to scold them and tell them they should all die. Ok.

    All I can tell them is that 4/5ths of the Hebrew slaves stayed behind in Egypt and the Maccabees weren't fighting the Hellene Syrians they were fighting the Apikorsim Jews. Most of the dead were those As-A-Jews. So good luck with that. No one's going to Pagan Jew Shul for the feast of Zeus or whatnot. No one's praying to Hepshetshut or Amon-Ra. They're all dead and forgotten and somehow we're still here rubbing their stupid faces in it.

    If it were me I'd lobby for branding. We get to keep the name "Jews" and they get to call themselves something else "American Atheist Buddho-Marxists" or something. Because the great success of the Jewish Reformation (Reform) largely rests on its utter lack of bother to have any requirements that couldn't be reflective of most of the Romantic post Enlightenment of the 19th century with or without the Jews or any kind of religion or culture at all. And yet they feel they can scream at us scolding us that we reject the notion of "It's nice to be nice" as the sole foundational construct of the world. It's not. It's not even the American Buddhist Lite they claim to froth over all day.

    Because if they believed half the twaddle they would love us they would embrace us, they would fight FOR us because we are their signpost. We're rock in the shoe that affords them their luxury 'as-a-Jew'. Without us what would they be? Indistinguishable. Instead they demand we stand there as anachronisms they can mock while at the same time uttering un-understood Yiddish.